The Birth Story...of Penelope

As I sit here at 2:40 in the morning, pushing my Penny in the swing, I realize she is a month old...I had been slowly working on her birth story, but to try to put it all down on paper, was like trying to capture something that seemed beyond words. But because I have waited to bring her birth story I think I will be less raw, and bring out the most impressing points of her birth, the labor that preceeded it, and my heart through it all.

One Month Ago......

I had already awoke several times through the night....I had taken blue and black cohosh to try to kick a very sluggish labor FINALLY into gear. I worked all the previous day on a puzzle, drinking Tablespoons of the vial concoction...A most nasty job...but I had a very strong feeling that I needed to go into labor NOW....

What some don't know is that Aaron and I were planning a homebirth...if that shocks you, you need to spend more time with me...and you would know my many many reasons...and besides this was my 6th...and it was on my heart and mind to try this avenue since our 3rd...:) But this time of all times I had almost a physical push to make this baby the one we had in the comfort and safety of our own home...just a note, we aren't anti hospital...or freaks...we just wanted a home birth...and we felt like the Lord wanted it that way too....MUCH prayer was on the choice we made, and study.

At about 2-3 in the morning I woke Aaron, told him that I had been restless...and that I couldn't sleep anymore through this odd uncomfortable pain in my back....it wasn't like a contraction...it was like...well..just annoying and stiff feeling....there was a bit of a feeling of tenseness that would come and go....so we started to time them.....for a solid hour we timed them....and finally as usual..the pains, at least the kind you could time....left me. We slept on the couch...till I awoke, yet again, with odd feelings....again..nothing that was contraction-like material...but just un-sleep-through-able.

At roughly 5-6 in the morning we contacted both my mother and the midwife....Aaron started to top the air supply off in the birthing pool...and unbound the hose....and got that into position...woke the kids up..and "shoed" them...put jackets on them...and they waited for Nana...they knew the big day had arrived...and I was wore out on the couch....no sleep...and tired from the nasty stiffness in my back....

A moment I won't forget here...and here I have to stop and tell you of my precious lil'Amy....she grabbed the bottle of tums from the computer desk...walked over to me and placed them next to my face on the couch..."Hew, Mommy, Hew..." she was saying "Here Mommy." and she was so gentle...and sweet....she knew I wasn't feeling well...I could have eaten her up...such a darling...

Midwife was on her way...and my mom had come, picked up the kids and prayed with me...My heart about to burst from the gratitude I had for the prayer....Something that many didn't know....Really only Aaron knew the magnitude of it....

And I will pause a moment to share....

I thought this delivery was going to kill me....or the baby...or both....Now, I am NOT trying to be mellow-dramatic...or have a FRIGHTENING tale of death defying proportions...because I will be the first to tell you, there was a time with each child that a thought wondered through my brain of...'what if I don't make it'....With this baby it started almost from the beginning...first, we couldn't locate the heartbeat, then we didn't feel movement..for a LONG time we didn't feel her...Then my anemic state was a problem...then the iron level in my blood picked up...and we found out...at about 36 weeks...she was breech....

Breech settled over me like a death knell....it was so ominous, it was so big, I didn't know what to do with it.....I met ALL the criteria for a breech-homebirth...but the little pond of encouragers of homebirth got EVEN smaller because many homebirth mama's even have C-sections for breech...and I felt like I was sliding down into something much bigger than I...and for the first time, in any of my pregnancies....I felt like I was hearing the whisper of tragedy....and despair was as present as the reaper himself standing in the corner of any room in my home I walked through...I spent so much time crying, many times in the shower, because it was the only place that the kids wouldn't see my tears....or hear what the sobs that would rack my body...

I questioned everything about the birth, the baby, my reasons, and it really never seemed to be a question of hospital or no.....I felt like whatever was going to happen was just going to happen...it didn't matter where....at if whatever was going to happen..I wanted to be at home....I didn't want to go to the hospital for reasons I didn't even seem to fully understand....there was just something in my spirit that wasn't letting that even be an option...There was little peace in my spirit for a long time....but even LESS peace when I thought about birth anywhere but at home...

Let me say in short...again...that it wouldn't have mattered if it was at home or hospital....this feeling was very deep...

On the surface though..I knew that if I went to the hospital my only option was going to be a cesarean...breech just isn't handle vaginally anymore..so with a respectful fear of the un-known, and leaning heavy on the judgement of my midwife, and her colleague....I pressed forward...

It was about nine-ish ten-ish in the morning when Michelle, my midwife came....and we discussed my pains (discomforts)...and we joked that I kept saying I knew NOTHING...because after having 5 previous births, and ALL of them being different I came to realize that I knew really so little about what labor was REALLY like...that I wasn't sure what was what...We discussed breaking my water...and just get the whole thing going...She checked my cervix...little change...from the 5 cm I was the last time she checked me..she didn't feel anything that felt to her like limbs at the cervix...just little a little bottom nestled into the cervix...She was pretty confident that if she broke my water that Baby would be safe, without a cord prolapsing through the cervix on us...

Her Assistant came, Nita, and then her colleague Wendy...Conversation was light, and I wasn't in so much pain that I couldn't make my usual wise-cracks....everyone was in a good humor...to boot Wendy had come straight from an amish sale and had purchased some grilled chicken and stood in my livingroom nibbling....My husband and I were pleased at the laid back atmosphere...they discussed the breaking of my water...

Michelle had great difficulty breaking my water, the 'Bag-O-Waters' was sooo dense that it couldn't hardly be even snagged with this little glove thingy that she had...she finally took out, what I was used to seeing...the crochet hook that is the about 12" long...even then it took a good amount of pressure to break the water...

For the next hour or so we sat around my livingroom, talking about everything from cabinet paint, to potty training our children, I would have a few good contractions...I would make a thousand and one trips to the potty...which meant that I had to waddle with a chuck be-twixt my legs to catch the water that was continueing to leak...Then Aaron would follow behind me after I was done in the bathroom and have to clean the potty, the floor, and everything else I "messed"....THAT was such proof that I married a man, and not a mouse, or a mule....He just graciously, without snide remarks helped me.....Finally after five previous deliveries I got to have my nurse of choice...my husband....helping me up, helping me into bed, covering me up...bringing me my fluids, and snacks..

Oh, YES people....during a home birth you can eat...which was so grand....I had a slim fast and a cheese stick...and had transitioned myself from the couch to the exercise ball...so there I was at roughly 7 cm...bouncing, eating, and chatting with my midwives....I started to feel the fact that I had gotten so little sleep...so I went to the couch....and I felt one of my first gooooood pains....the others were brief and mild enough...I could talk or chat through....but then the real rEaL ones came on....Still I tried to keep a stiff upper lip...and be light about it.....and still the atmostphere was like we were about to go grill out some hotdogs and let the kids go through the sprinkler...it was so odd...it was like the whole room would freeze for 'CONTRACTION'...and the minute I would lift my head...it was like..."OH!...did you get to see the sale at such-n-such Nita?" It was comforting...because I didn't see coldness, or sterile behaviour...and that they didn't see me as someone about to have a horrible event...I felt better....but that first true pain came....and I remember I was leaning against my birthing ball...and I felt the first tear slide down my nose and onto the ball....and I knew....it was time...and the started coming regularly..

But the pains weren't coming fast enough for what the midwives wanted....sure I had my choices...but they didn't want me to slowly fatigue....I was now back on the couch...and I said..."Well...I could try the nipple-stimulation (of which worked marvelously with my other childrens' delivery instead of pitocin ---> of which I hate..)...Sooo I hooked up my breast pump...and literally tried it for about 2 minutes TOPS...and took it off, because I felt like it wasn't doing what I needed....Aaron had no more than taken it from me....when another pain hit me....

Since my labor was being so touch and go....mild...if you can use that word...ANY labor isn't mild to the woman in it...my midwife and I weren't sure about me getting into the water yet...for fear that it would stall things....but I was starting to not feel able to take the pain...I asked Michelle if I could go ahead and get into the water yet....

I want to make note that Wendy and Nita were in the kitchen boiling water and filling in the rest of the birth tub...and also trying to give me a little alone time to see if I would slip into labor, instead of having a hostess mind-set...You know how you are when you want to be a good sport because these people are in your house...it was funny because Wendy was the one who suggested they scoot for a bit...so they left me in the livingroom ...I called Michelle back in and asked her about the water...could I go ahead and get in...if anything but to rest a bit...

It was about 3 something in the afternoon at this time....Michelle let me go ahead and get in....it was warm....and wonderful in the water for about all of 5 min. Then...like an ocean wave falling over me....I felt this pain come rushing....In some countries they don't call them contractions or pains...they call them surges....and yes....in the water I could feel what I would concur...where SURGES.....and then an interesting phenomena came with the surges....My voice....I don't yell or scream in my 'pains'....I cry...and this cry came with it a sound like what I have seen in films when someone passes away and some very large mammy type of a woman comes in...and makes a noise...OR...if you watch an old western..and the Indian women come and weep over the dead...and they throw dirt in the air...almost a high pitch yodel type of sound....and I couldn't believe it was me...The only English word I could get out was 'No'....and I would shake my head and almost whisper it..."No, no, no, no.."...and I shed tears into the water...The last whole phrase I remember saying was..."Nothing feels good anymore." I think this was me talking to the water...like I was disappointed that the water wasn't like a magic pond where all pain was going to leave...and I was going to have a marvelous painfree birth....mean water....Then a bigger wave came...

Now...a small note here....I have a special love for plastic when I am in labor...and I have found that my method of choice for handling large amounts of pain is to clutch at things...soo...put that together you have me, clutching at anything plastic...when I was delivering Amy (#5) I clung to my barf bowl and the oxygen mask...this time I sat in a tub of plastic...(which because of the breech, I was going to have to get on my hands and knees...so gravity could stretch my pubic bone to the fullest to allow the baby to pass)...sooo I went ahead and got on my knees...and threw my arms over the side of the birth tub....and let the 'surges' hit me....my hands grabbed hold of the side of the liner...(the tub was lined with a HEAVY plastic) and I dug my fingers into the plastic...and continued my yodeling solo....accented with a few continueing runs of "No, no, no, no.." Which come to find out later was confusing the dickens out of both husband and midwife..and they kept throwing encouraging words my way...

They say that there comes a time when you can't NOT push...well the wall hit and I remember, without any nurse breathing into my face or yelling at me....I pushed with every contraction...and I was amazed that really at this point the pain kind of leveled off...and in my head I felt like I was seeing the finish line...but I wasn't going to be able to do this long....I would hear the occasional "Doin' good!" by husband would tell me I was doing great...But something was pulling and it really smarted...."Something is pulling, are you pulling??" I would ask...in real pain..it felt awful...They weren't pulling it was from the baby's cord pulling from inside...

Then I felt something that I never EVER had felt before, and I must admit that it was the probably the most horrid pain I had ever felt....and I thought I was tearing apart...and I let my worries be known.."I'm tearing! I'm tearing!"...and I cried....as I pressed my face into the plastic..."I'm tearing apart." I could feel the midwives check and the mirror was passed around..."No, you're fine...You can push." if that wasn't said...maybe the Holy Spirit whispered it to me...because I was able to shut down the reaction to the pain...and what REAL pain it was...then great GREAT release...the entire body had been delivered...(just to answer the fearful question of what was the pain..it was the cartilidge in the pelvic girdle...I probably damaged some of it, tore it, or just plain stretched the fire out of it....but that was what the pain was I was feeling)

"Push!" came a call from behind me...

"I can't"...I honestly had lost what ever momentum I had. All this happened within moments even SPLIT moments....I tried to reposition myself and had pulled myself out of the water...

"Down!" was the almost yell from Wendy...(Didn't know it but I had almost pulled to far out of the water and the baby's little chin was starting to show...and they didn't want to drown the baby by letting Her breathe...then going back under...

I no more than got back into position then the midwives both took my arms from behind and got me back into almost the same position I was in..only they made sure I kept all necessary parts underwater...I guess they figured out (cuz I sure didn't know...) the baby's head was caught just a little...but the movement of turning me around literally just turned the baby around...One good push from me, and out she came....and they swiftly pulled her up....and got the cord untangled....the cord was around her neck three times, I guess...but her face was blue and ashy...white really...but her body was still very pink.....she still hadnt taken her first breath...

The cord was still intact...so I was breathing for her...but the cord wouldn't pulsate for long....

But, she was limp, limbs were floppy....And I was so so glad that I had faced newborns looking like this before....because they had me take her...not some nurse somewhere....they didn't yank her away....but they handed me a recieveing blanket...and I began talking to her...and vigorously rubbing her..and swatting her back...and smacking the soles of her feet....nothing....this all happened in probably less than 30 sec...becuase when she didn't respond to that....one of my cookie sheets appeared over my shoulder...like a waitress would carry something...and they moved my baby onto the cookie sheet...and started the resuscitation...

It was lightening fast, but still felt like forever....One woman timed, one woman listened for chest sounds, one worked the oxygen....and they counted out loud...and then started the tiny chest compressions....I stayed calm....I honestly couldn't believe my calmness.....Though an inner quake made my heart shake.....and the voice of my husband could be heard....Praying....a short, earnest prayer....then the "amen".....and as soon as the word was said....this little wail could be heard beneath the oxygen mask...and her eyes winced...and she again made a cry....

The most intense 2 min. of the day....of my year....of my life....Even Nathan and his breathing issues at birth..at least he WAS breathing...here was my little angel..My Penny....who required CPR with in her first moments from birth.

The midwife wanted me to have immediate close contact..and helped plop Penny into my tank top....I made sure Penny could hear my voice...and I talked to her...and continued to rub her back to encourage more breathing....she didn't want to nurse..and the midwives said she probably wouldn't be for a while because she had been so messed with in the mouth area (due to the mask)...

To finish out the birth....I was moved to deliver the placenta...which was as effortless as I had hoped...a VERY large placenta it was too....The midwives finished the accessments...I got an herbal bath to help with the tiny snags I got..no tearing...I COULDN'T believe it...

Amazing facts about her birth....Not only was she breech...but she topped my biggest baby thus far by almost 2 pounds...The reason she didn't turn...because she had the cord around her neck..she was literally bound against the side of the womb for months...I didn't tear with this baby...

I think back to the words from my midwife...when she said..."I know you can do this, you have had babies, a proven pelvis...I am not worried about trying to move the baby, so lets just try to get the baby to move down as much as possible, soo walk walk walk!" ....The favorite technique of some is to literally mash, move, poke the tummy of a pregnant woman to 'manually' move the baby into the head-down position (vertex)...I am so so....oh, so glad I just let her be breech....I could have choked her, put her into distress.....so many things... How many times in my darkest of hours...when I thought I couldnt' take the idea of dealing with her being breech I almost turned her myself....

Then, I thought of the dread that had filled my heart the weeks and weeks previous...Was that haunting feeling sent from the Lord??? To Coax me to the throne of Grace to ask again and again for His protection over my baby....

And to top it off...not only was she born breech, but it was like the Lord said...and to PROVE to you that I can do all things my dear...I'll make this baby two pounds heavier than your BIGGEST baby....

God worked through Penny.....From her conception, not knowing how she was...not finding her heart beat, feeling very little kicks in the beginning...she took her time letting me have a break...and the worrying almost killed me......but I learned to trust the Lord...a bit more, a bit more fully....God took care of her...and the whole room was filled with the knowledge of answered prayers when she came....not just because her daddy prayed for that first breath...but because there were so many parts to her coming that prayer brought healing and hope and joy! I by nature am usually anemic, through health and care for myself..I was able to birth her in the breech...and because of that answered prayer of good health for me...the placenta was strong enough to carry my Penny till she could breath on her own....

So many things could have gone wrong...and believe me...if I had known my little girl was stuck to the side of my womb all that time...would I have chosen the c-section? I dunno....but I was able to deliver in the way I was made too, Penny came and after that first breath...she came to life so fully..you'de NEVER have pegged her as the one born in trouble (if say you were judging through a nursery window in a hospital....

Testimonies came flooding from every side in the days after....that She had been on the hearts of many for a long time...and Penny's story once told to the prayer warriors increased their faith..and they left us with hearts full of the Joy of the Lord....knowing that Yes, there IS a God, and Jesus Loves the little children...ALL the children of the world...