The Birth Story...of Penelope

As I sit here at 2:40 in the morning, pushing my Penny in the swing, I realize she is a month old...I had been slowly working on her birth story, but to try to put it all down on paper, was like trying to capture something that seemed beyond words. But because I have waited to bring her birth story I think I will be less raw, and bring out the most impressing points of her birth, the labor that preceeded it, and my heart through it all.

One Month Ago......

I had already awoke several times through the night....I had taken blue and black cohosh to try to kick a very sluggish labor FINALLY into gear. I worked all the previous day on a puzzle, drinking Tablespoons of the vial concoction...A most nasty job...but I had a very strong feeling that I needed to go into labor NOW....

What some don't know is that Aaron and I were planning a homebirth...if that shocks you, you need to spend more time with me...and you would know my many many reasons...and besides this was my 6th...and it was on my heart and mind to try this avenue since our 3rd...:) But this time of all times I had almost a physical push to make this baby the one we had in the comfort and safety of our own home...just a note, we aren't anti hospital...or freaks...we just wanted a home birth...and we felt like the Lord wanted it that way too....MUCH prayer was on the choice we made, and study.

At about 2-3 in the morning I woke Aaron, told him that I had been restless...and that I couldn't sleep anymore through this odd uncomfortable pain in my back....it wasn't like a contraction...it was like...well..just annoying and stiff feeling....there was a bit of a feeling of tenseness that would come and go....so we started to time them.....for a solid hour we timed them....and finally as usual..the pains, at least the kind you could time....left me. We slept on the couch...till I awoke, yet again, with odd feelings....again..nothing that was contraction-like material...but just un-sleep-through-able.

At roughly 5-6 in the morning we contacted both my mother and the midwife....Aaron started to top the air supply off in the birthing pool...and unbound the hose....and got that into position...woke the kids up..and "shoed" them...put jackets on them...and they waited for Nana...they knew the big day had arrived...and I was wore out on the couch....no sleep...and tired from the nasty stiffness in my back....

A moment I won't forget here...and here I have to stop and tell you of my precious lil'Amy....she grabbed the bottle of tums from the computer desk...walked over to me and placed them next to my face on the couch..."Hew, Mommy, Hew..." she was saying "Here Mommy." and she was so gentle...and sweet....she knew I wasn't feeling well...I could have eaten her up...such a darling...

Midwife was on her way...and my mom had come, picked up the kids and prayed with me...My heart about to burst from the gratitude I had for the prayer....Something that many didn't know....Really only Aaron knew the magnitude of it....

And I will pause a moment to share....

I thought this delivery was going to kill me....or the baby...or both....Now, I am NOT trying to be mellow-dramatic...or have a FRIGHTENING tale of death defying proportions...because I will be the first to tell you, there was a time with each child that a thought wondered through my brain of...'what if I don't make it'....With this baby it started almost from the beginning...first, we couldn't locate the heartbeat, then we didn't feel movement..for a LONG time we didn't feel her...Then my anemic state was a problem...then the iron level in my blood picked up...and we found out...at about 36 weeks...she was breech....

Breech settled over me like a death knell....it was so ominous, it was so big, I didn't know what to do with it.....I met ALL the criteria for a breech-homebirth...but the little pond of encouragers of homebirth got EVEN smaller because many homebirth mama's even have C-sections for breech...and I felt like I was sliding down into something much bigger than I...and for the first time, in any of my pregnancies....I felt like I was hearing the whisper of tragedy....and despair was as present as the reaper himself standing in the corner of any room in my home I walked through...I spent so much time crying, many times in the shower, because it was the only place that the kids wouldn't see my tears....or hear what the sobs that would rack my body...

I questioned everything about the birth, the baby, my reasons, and it really never seemed to be a question of hospital or no.....I felt like whatever was going to happen was just going to happen...it didn't matter where....at if whatever was going to happen..I wanted to be at home....I didn't want to go to the hospital for reasons I didn't even seem to fully understand....there was just something in my spirit that wasn't letting that even be an option...There was little peace in my spirit for a long time....but even LESS peace when I thought about birth anywhere but at home...

Let me say in short...again...that it wouldn't have mattered if it was at home or hospital....this feeling was very deep...

On the surface though..I knew that if I went to the hospital my only option was going to be a cesarean...breech just isn't handle vaginally anymore..so with a respectful fear of the un-known, and leaning heavy on the judgement of my midwife, and her colleague....I pressed forward...

It was about nine-ish ten-ish in the morning when Michelle, my midwife came....and we discussed my pains (discomforts)...and we joked that I kept saying I knew NOTHING...because after having 5 previous births, and ALL of them being different I came to realize that I knew really so little about what labor was REALLY like...that I wasn't sure what was what...We discussed breaking my water...and just get the whole thing going...She checked my cervix...little change...from the 5 cm I was the last time she checked me..she didn't feel anything that felt to her like limbs at the cervix...just little a little bottom nestled into the cervix...She was pretty confident that if she broke my water that Baby would be safe, without a cord prolapsing through the cervix on us...

Her Assistant came, Nita, and then her colleague Wendy...Conversation was light, and I wasn't in so much pain that I couldn't make my usual wise-cracks....everyone was in a good humor...to boot Wendy had come straight from an amish sale and had purchased some grilled chicken and stood in my livingroom nibbling....My husband and I were pleased at the laid back atmosphere...they discussed the breaking of my water...

Michelle had great difficulty breaking my water, the 'Bag-O-Waters' was sooo dense that it couldn't hardly be even snagged with this little glove thingy that she had...she finally took out, what I was used to seeing...the crochet hook that is the about 12" long...even then it took a good amount of pressure to break the water...

For the next hour or so we sat around my livingroom, talking about everything from cabinet paint, to potty training our children, I would have a few good contractions...I would make a thousand and one trips to the potty...which meant that I had to waddle with a chuck be-twixt my legs to catch the water that was continueing to leak...Then Aaron would follow behind me after I was done in the bathroom and have to clean the potty, the floor, and everything else I "messed"....THAT was such proof that I married a man, and not a mouse, or a mule....He just graciously, without snide remarks helped me.....Finally after five previous deliveries I got to have my nurse of choice...my husband....helping me up, helping me into bed, covering me up...bringing me my fluids, and snacks..

Oh, YES people....during a home birth you can eat...which was so grand....I had a slim fast and a cheese stick...and had transitioned myself from the couch to the exercise ball...so there I was at roughly 7 cm...bouncing, eating, and chatting with my midwives....I started to feel the fact that I had gotten so little sleep...so I went to the couch....and I felt one of my first gooooood pains....the others were brief and mild enough...I could talk or chat through....but then the real rEaL ones came on....Still I tried to keep a stiff upper lip...and be light about it.....and still the atmostphere was like we were about to go grill out some hotdogs and let the kids go through the sprinkler...it was so odd...it was like the whole room would freeze for 'CONTRACTION'...and the minute I would lift my head...it was like..."OH!...did you get to see the sale at such-n-such Nita?" It was comforting...because I didn't see coldness, or sterile behaviour...and that they didn't see me as someone about to have a horrible event...I felt better....but that first true pain came....and I remember I was leaning against my birthing ball...and I felt the first tear slide down my nose and onto the ball....and I knew....it was time...and the started coming regularly..

But the pains weren't coming fast enough for what the midwives wanted....sure I had my choices...but they didn't want me to slowly fatigue....I was now back on the couch...and I said..."Well...I could try the nipple-stimulation (of which worked marvelously with my other childrens' delivery instead of pitocin ---> of which I hate..)...Sooo I hooked up my breast pump...and literally tried it for about 2 minutes TOPS...and took it off, because I felt like it wasn't doing what I needed....Aaron had no more than taken it from me....when another pain hit me....

Since my labor was being so touch and go....mild...if you can use that word...ANY labor isn't mild to the woman in it...my midwife and I weren't sure about me getting into the water yet...for fear that it would stall things....but I was starting to not feel able to take the pain...I asked Michelle if I could go ahead and get into the water yet....

I want to make note that Wendy and Nita were in the kitchen boiling water and filling in the rest of the birth tub...and also trying to give me a little alone time to see if I would slip into labor, instead of having a hostess mind-set...You know how you are when you want to be a good sport because these people are in your house...it was funny because Wendy was the one who suggested they scoot for a bit...so they left me in the livingroom ...I called Michelle back in and asked her about the water...could I go ahead and get in...if anything but to rest a bit...

It was about 3 something in the afternoon at this time....Michelle let me go ahead and get in....it was warm....and wonderful in the water for about all of 5 min. Then...like an ocean wave falling over me....I felt this pain come rushing....In some countries they don't call them contractions or pains...they call them surges....and yes....in the water I could feel what I would concur...where SURGES.....and then an interesting phenomena came with the surges....My voice....I don't yell or scream in my 'pains'....I cry...and this cry came with it a sound like what I have seen in films when someone passes away and some very large mammy type of a woman comes in...and makes a noise...OR...if you watch an old western..and the Indian women come and weep over the dead...and they throw dirt in the air...almost a high pitch yodel type of sound....and I couldn't believe it was me...The only English word I could get out was 'No'....and I would shake my head and almost whisper it..."No, no, no, no.."...and I shed tears into the water...The last whole phrase I remember saying was..."Nothing feels good anymore." I think this was me talking to the water...like I was disappointed that the water wasn't like a magic pond where all pain was going to leave...and I was going to have a marvelous painfree birth....mean water....Then a bigger wave came...

Now...a small note here....I have a special love for plastic when I am in labor...and I have found that my method of choice for handling large amounts of pain is to clutch at things...soo...put that together you have me, clutching at anything plastic...when I was delivering Amy (#5) I clung to my barf bowl and the oxygen mask...this time I sat in a tub of plastic...(which because of the breech, I was going to have to get on my hands and knees...so gravity could stretch my pubic bone to the fullest to allow the baby to pass)...sooo I went ahead and got on my knees...and threw my arms over the side of the birth tub....and let the 'surges' hit me....my hands grabbed hold of the side of the liner...(the tub was lined with a HEAVY plastic) and I dug my fingers into the plastic...and continued my yodeling solo....accented with a few continueing runs of "No, no, no, no.." Which come to find out later was confusing the dickens out of both husband and midwife..and they kept throwing encouraging words my way...

They say that there comes a time when you can't NOT push...well the wall hit and I remember, without any nurse breathing into my face or yelling at me....I pushed with every contraction...and I was amazed that really at this point the pain kind of leveled off...and in my head I felt like I was seeing the finish line...but I wasn't going to be able to do this long....I would hear the occasional "Doin' good!" by husband would tell me I was doing great...But something was pulling and it really smarted...."Something is pulling, are you pulling??" I would ask...in real pain..it felt awful...They weren't pulling it was from the baby's cord pulling from inside...

Then I felt something that I never EVER had felt before, and I must admit that it was the probably the most horrid pain I had ever felt....and I thought I was tearing apart...and I let my worries be known.."I'm tearing! I'm tearing!"...and I cried....as I pressed my face into the plastic..."I'm tearing apart." I could feel the midwives check and the mirror was passed around..."No, you're fine...You can push." if that wasn't said...maybe the Holy Spirit whispered it to me...because I was able to shut down the reaction to the pain...and what REAL pain it was...then great GREAT release...the entire body had been delivered...(just to answer the fearful question of what was the pain..it was the cartilidge in the pelvic girdle...I probably damaged some of it, tore it, or just plain stretched the fire out of it....but that was what the pain was I was feeling)

"Push!" came a call from behind me...

"I can't"...I honestly had lost what ever momentum I had. All this happened within moments even SPLIT moments....I tried to reposition myself and had pulled myself out of the water...

"Down!" was the almost yell from Wendy...(Didn't know it but I had almost pulled to far out of the water and the baby's little chin was starting to show...and they didn't want to drown the baby by letting Her breathe...then going back under...

I no more than got back into position then the midwives both took my arms from behind and got me back into almost the same position I was in..only they made sure I kept all necessary parts underwater...I guess they figured out (cuz I sure didn't know...) the baby's head was caught just a little...but the movement of turning me around literally just turned the baby around...One good push from me, and out she came....and they swiftly pulled her up....and got the cord untangled....the cord was around her neck three times, I guess...but her face was blue and ashy...white really...but her body was still very pink.....she still hadnt taken her first breath...

The cord was still intact...so I was breathing for her...but the cord wouldn't pulsate for long....

But, she was limp, limbs were floppy....And I was so so glad that I had faced newborns looking like this before....because they had me take her...not some nurse somewhere....they didn't yank her away....but they handed me a recieveing blanket...and I began talking to her...and vigorously rubbing her..and swatting her back...and smacking the soles of her feet....nothing....this all happened in probably less than 30 sec...becuase when she didn't respond to that....one of my cookie sheets appeared over my shoulder...like a waitress would carry something...and they moved my baby onto the cookie sheet...and started the resuscitation...

It was lightening fast, but still felt like forever....One woman timed, one woman listened for chest sounds, one worked the oxygen....and they counted out loud...and then started the tiny chest compressions....I stayed calm....I honestly couldn't believe my calmness.....Though an inner quake made my heart shake.....and the voice of my husband could be heard....Praying....a short, earnest prayer....then the "amen".....and as soon as the word was said....this little wail could be heard beneath the oxygen mask...and her eyes winced...and she again made a cry....

The most intense 2 min. of the day....of my year....of my life....Even Nathan and his breathing issues at birth..at least he WAS breathing...here was my little angel..My Penny....who required CPR with in her first moments from birth.

The midwife wanted me to have immediate close contact..and helped plop Penny into my tank top....I made sure Penny could hear my voice...and I talked to her...and continued to rub her back to encourage more breathing....she didn't want to nurse..and the midwives said she probably wouldn't be for a while because she had been so messed with in the mouth area (due to the mask)...

To finish out the birth....I was moved to deliver the placenta...which was as effortless as I had hoped...a VERY large placenta it was too....The midwives finished the accessments...I got an herbal bath to help with the tiny snags I got..no tearing...I COULDN'T believe it...

Amazing facts about her birth....Not only was she breech...but she topped my biggest baby thus far by almost 2 pounds...The reason she didn't turn...because she had the cord around her neck..she was literally bound against the side of the womb for months...I didn't tear with this baby...

I think back to the words from my midwife...when she said..."I know you can do this, you have had babies, a proven pelvis...I am not worried about trying to move the baby, so lets just try to get the baby to move down as much as possible, soo walk walk walk!" ....The favorite technique of some is to literally mash, move, poke the tummy of a pregnant woman to 'manually' move the baby into the head-down position (vertex)...I am so so....oh, so glad I just let her be breech....I could have choked her, put her into distress.....so many things... How many times in my darkest of hours...when I thought I couldnt' take the idea of dealing with her being breech I almost turned her myself....

Then, I thought of the dread that had filled my heart the weeks and weeks previous...Was that haunting feeling sent from the Lord??? To Coax me to the throne of Grace to ask again and again for His protection over my baby....

And to top it off...not only was she born breech, but it was like the Lord said...and to PROVE to you that I can do all things my dear...I'll make this baby two pounds heavier than your BIGGEST baby....

God worked through Penny.....From her conception, not knowing how she was...not finding her heart beat, feeling very little kicks in the beginning...she took her time letting me have a break...and the worrying almost killed me......but I learned to trust the Lord...a bit more, a bit more fully....God took care of her...and the whole room was filled with the knowledge of answered prayers when she came....not just because her daddy prayed for that first breath...but because there were so many parts to her coming that prayer brought healing and hope and joy! I by nature am usually anemic, through health and care for myself..I was able to birth her in the breech...and because of that answered prayer of good health for me...the placenta was strong enough to carry my Penny till she could breath on her own....

So many things could have gone wrong...and believe me...if I had known my little girl was stuck to the side of my womb all that time...would I have chosen the c-section? I dunno....but I was able to deliver in the way I was made too, Penny came and after that first breath...she came to life so fully..you'de NEVER have pegged her as the one born in trouble (if say you were judging through a nursery window in a hospital....

Testimonies came flooding from every side in the days after....that She had been on the hearts of many for a long time...and Penny's story once told to the prayer warriors increased their faith..and they left us with hearts full of the Joy of the Lord....knowing that Yes, there IS a God, and Jesus Loves the little children...ALL the children of the world...

My Last Week.....I hope..(39+weeks)

Just a warning....this post may contain too much info, for those of a "WHOA! I didn't need to know THAT!" mind set..so I give you fair warning....turn back now...You just can't talk late pregnancy without something being a bit, um, Too much, in the information department.
So..I thought I was "done" with my last post at 37 weeks..Ha...Ha....Ha.....You know this whole pregnancy has been a lesson in learning to just sit back, and submit to the fact that I know diddly about babies, birth, pregnancy, and motherhood......Somewhere in my head I can hear the small cry of "Noooo, how can you know nothing after 5 children!?"
Rest assured..God just KNOWS how to make you feel like you can't get anywhere without Him....
We really felt that my last pregnancy was out screw-ball, mishap, way under estimated for chaos pregnancy.....so...we pressed on to this baby...and Voila...even more surprises...
Can you BELIEVE a woman can survive for 3 weeks dilated MORE than the woman at the county hospital who comes in sweating bullets, Hollering like the greased pig at the county fair, and is only at...a "dimple"....When I tell these mothers that "Oh yes, I am at 4 Centimeters"...and I am pushing a cart through walmart and chugging around my crew...they just look at me like I must be made of steel....
You may need me to back up....I have what is lovingly called..."pro-doe-maul" labor...not sure of the spelling so I will try to look smart and give you a phonetic looksie at it..This is a lovely thing that mothers get to experience, not all of us...but those of us "special" ones....What happens is that pre-labor (bloody show, loss of mucus plug, contractions, loose bowel movements, irritability, and headaches, AND nausea) isn't felt in a 24-48 hour window like what happens "text-book" style...Mine gets to be stretched out for the last FULLY month of pregnancy....This leaves me with peaks and valleys that "OH! The baby is almost here...I should _____" fill in the blank with anything that is rushed for a babies arrival....only to find that the things you have done you will now have to continue to keep up...JUST to keep things fresh for the baby...week, after week, after week..
Sure I find it a bit nutty that I can't tell if I have REAL contractions, until I reach that place called "transition"...this is literally where your body is on the verge of pushing...well...I say this...becuase the last baby was this way...WHO knows how it will be this time...
2-3 weeks ago..I had a midwife tell me...that She wouldn't give me a week....Ta-da!! I'm still here...and the baby is DEFINITELY full term now...
Sooo....as it stands right now...I am 5-6 Centimeters...and for those who don't know...you only need 10....I am 75% effaced...again...match-wizards..it only takes being 100%....and I also have had the privilege of having my membranes stripped (told you there was too much information here)....all this means..is that a cushion of goo at the base of the womb is removed..and is supposed to aggravate along the "fakish" labor, to something more productive....yeah..well..I haven't changed much...and at this point..I fear going OVER...
I broke my tailbone delivering my last baby...I dont' relish doing that again...I may just have a porker on my hands....
Pray for me....Hope to update soon...and WHAT is going on here!!!!!

Almost there! 37 Weeks

Sorry I haven't posted in a good while....Honestly I just got busy..and then on the other hand it seemed that the whole rest of the world was too..
SO much has been going on...
But lets start with the baby...He or She is breech....yes, And it really has had me in a bundle of nerves...But I am glad that because of five previous babies there seems to be no fear that this baby will be able to be born without a Cesarean...which would be nice on this poor gal's bod...I'm too tired to deal with that...Though I will if I have to but it will be nice if it can be avoided.
I have been instructed to bounce on a ball....Yes this is new too.....Because of this...after you have carried several babies I guess it is common practice for that lil'one to not 'engage' him or herself into the pelvic girdle...so to help bump the baby along I sit on this ball and...well..bounce...My kids think this is a riot...Some of the idea is to gently move the baby along..the other is to help give some exercise to all muscles needed to bring a small one into the world....Never thought I would "feel the burn" at the end of the day..just from bouncing....It's funny..I am serious...you actually feel like you have run a mile in the legs and gluts just from that silly fun-house toy...Ohh well..you live, and you learn...and you improve...
I have been given MUCH advise on how to flip this baby...believe me ....I am a research junkie...and I have looked at everything from TELLING your baby to move...getting on all fours on an incline down a flight of stairs...YIKES! and even getting an herb and lighting it..and warming your baby toes....OH...and getting little speakers to play music at the base of the womb...and Voila!! Flipped baby!
Yes...I wish I could try those things..and purhaps I will...if it comes to that...but I am already dilated...significantly..and effaced...my midwife is leary of encouraging the baby out of a good presentation and risking letting that cord come first....which really places a risk on that lil'one....*sigh*...Soo...It has been a mix-bag of feelings.....one hand makes me feel like..."Flip! Baby!! NOW!!!"...the other...makes me hope that the little fella/filly...just nestles in...and keeps his/her legs in the upright position and prepares for take-off.
I will not lie...and I want to be clear....This does un-nerve me a bit...I DO have parts of me..that just quake with anxiety...and I struggle to look for that heavenly silver lining....
No mother wants to put their baby at risk...but also no mother wants to just start the whole roller coaster of C-section either...because every child after that you will have the label of VBAC...and it makes people nervous..and you get lots of advice and you are labeled careless and...well..>I really don't care what people think...but sometimes they aren't just happy to think it...they have to say it...and well....I just don't want it.....It's hard enough to carry a baby, prepare for a baby (with the little ones I already have), then give birth just to have LOTS of advice...
So on the one hand I can't help but feel that if I indeed went the conventional route with this baby..a standard OB...then I WOULD be facing a c-section....on the other hand..I am also leaving the door cracked open a bit on the fact that in the end...a C-section may be exactly what I get...and I will take one if there is indeed enough of a risk....I'll take a scar for my baby....but what if...WHAT IF choosing the midwife road..the NON-intervention road has allowed me to not have to take that road...and that the knife wouldn't have to be my only option...and this baby can be delivered the way God intended...
My hope is that all circumstances God has placed in my path will be stepping stones towards a great experience in Him...I just hope I am not to clumsy or stupid to catch all things He has planned.

Soooooo what have I been doing meantime!!! Sewing..and sellng my wares on the open market...and have been loving it... I have done this before an LOVED it...but never got to a place that I was really making money at it...and it seems that the Lord has brought business..not too much...and I will be more in full swing with it...after the baby and I have some time to get to know one another...
But in the midst of my stitching...I reallized I needed to know how to service my machines because of all the wear they were getting from use...This directed Aaron and I towards a program that we could take..and learn...and come to find out...I KNOW how to service machines...the simplest of things...I already knew!! and I felt like such an egg-head....yeah..I got a little big headed after we completed the first video class and I realized I could have taught the thing...LOL.....Hey..I don't know everything...but it felt good to know the things I have been telling people weren't just Sewing Machine Voo-doo..LOL
So we are passing the time until baby cleaning out lint from machines...replacing felts...and also just loving life together...and trying to find peace in busy hands...while we leave our Baby in the Lords.. :)

God Bless!

Poor Pitiful Us...Preparing for the Baby...Week 32-33

So I am heading into my 33 week....being a full 33 weeks by this Saturday...I am getting a lot of "Bet, you can't wait to be done with this pregnancy?" True...I am not a big fan of being in this "shape"...LOL....I LOVE babies, I love being a new mama, over and over and ...hee hee...over...but honestly I have done much worse....Thanks to remembering my vitamins and talking to moms that have BEEN THERE...with anemia, multiple births etc...It has really helped...

I have been introduced to more concoctions of the strange and the unusual to help boost the iron, and the quality of my blood...Who knew....but slowly but surely I am just putting along....and TRYING to remember that this baby is very near....

Joint wise...I feel like I need a wheel chair....but fatigue, and mental drain, and such...are so improved...that I really feel like I am only hmm...27 weeks along?? Soo...My mind needs to catch up..

Aaron and I have been making major pushes to be more debt free...and to free up more space in the budget...part of the reason that I have been taking up sewing, and seamstress work....Which I enjoy...but it isn't for pleasure as much as it is for money...profit....so I am juggling the overhead, the income, the outgo, and in the end...what am I netting....

God is taking care of us.....we are facing a change in our income...and Aaron and I are turning our sights towards ways to manage our little crew...and trying to operate as much with the things we have as we can...

As Aaron worries about the things that Husbands and primary bread-winners do...I have turned my thoughts inward....and have been really sorting through what is important...and what is needed...and what is really really just fluff...

I have been spending my days sitting and sewing and uploading videos on the netflix of how we as Americans are maxing out...going in debt....and facing financial crisis across the board....The cameras give a panorama shot of shoppers in line at the walmart, at the meijers....and if you look carefully at things we buy....sometimes I am shocked.....sometimes I am shamed....because I know I have purchased with little thought about the price....yes...this attitude is what is eating the biggest chunk out of our income tax return this year....and it hurts...to know...that you, and the lust of your eye...put more weight on the back of the family...

In short....Aaron wasn't getting much work during a wintry-slow season..and we HAD to eat...so we dipped into an overdraft protection account...for those who don't know..it works just like a little credit card...and things went on swimmingly...I purchase not a lot of frivolous things...but I bought...LOTS of groceries...That is really what put us under....I didn't follow a budgeted meal plan...I bought what tasted nice, with all the trimmings...and MORE...it was tasty living....but as the sweetness of what went in my mouth...it became bitterness in the belly...and I was very sad...and the look in Aaron's face as he browsed statements...and tried his hardest to make more out of just wasn't there....we both cried as we realized....We JUST ain't rich...and we needed to stop pretending we were...

And in my mind I hear some...as I have heard in person time and time again...well you have to eat!! And there were days that I fueled my habits with those very thoughts...but I had to face the fact...that I wasn't being honest...

As I went from watching film on the debt...I turned to one of my most favored times in history...no not because they were glamorous..but because they sharpen me...the testimonies of the people make me stop my blubbering...and think...THINK realllllly hard....One...the Depression....Two..the Jews, and the Holocaust....

If you study the Depression...you find a group of people that are just a few generations past industrial revolution...if not hardly one generation past....We were a booming country if not financially we sure made up for it in spirit....face it...We just entered into a world war...and came out on the winning side...and there seemed to be no dreary eye to be found...and people were investing in the American dream.....and many of them did so on credit.....and when that black day came....the ceiling caved on many....

My heart feels so connected to the mothers of that time...and the stories of how they cared for their little ones....dresses from flour sacks, dinners made of pigeons and dandelions....(which by the way...this year is the first we have experienced dandelion tea...it's good..and the kids get a kick out of making something out of yard snippings..LOL)....

The Holocaust victims...who slept in crammed barracks for years....who lived on gruel...or LESS....What about the mothers that had to face losing their children as soon as they were shoved from the train....What about the Mama's who had to know...that the smoke rising in the air....was most likely their husbands ashes...

No, we don't know the meaning of poor here in America....We don't' even know what it is really like to suffer.....maybe the founding fathers....and even some of those I admire in the depression didn't really have it as bad as things could be...

Do you ever REALLY look at the slides that missionary brings??? Could YOU tolerate decorating your home in tarp-blue?? How about trying to cut down your existence into a 8x8 room of your house...How about depending on your eight year old to help get the family income up enough to be able to eat.....

Soooo In the spirit of not whining around the house....I have been really striving to put my best foot forward...

And yes...I am still buys paper towels...the mear 3 dollars every two weeks is still worth it....BUT...I took out the diapers....I am now using cloth 95% of the time....Where we were using..hmm....30+ diapers a week...Amy now wears MAYBE 4 a week...Now that I am past morning sickness I am going to be moving to making my own laundry soap again....I was doing this before...but the smell of the soap..and making it just brought up illness...but I have been revisiting somethings...and turning down the "wanter"

In the first half of my pregnancy....I wanted a charming bedding set...with mobile...and all the fixin's....new clothing...burprags...and just new new new....cause I felt like after scrimping on all the other babies..it was time to have a nursery, to have all the duds I see the other expectant mothers get.....Then....as I verbally dream...I see the face of the woman in the photo..migrant mother...who traveled west to get work...that had the 'promise' of work...only to find...that the work wasn't there....

I am not telling a sob story...what I am saying is BUCK UP mother!! Is not one small blanket to keep that newborn warm...just as warm as the one that matches the dust ruffle, AND THE SHEET.....I felt ashamed...of myself....I have crib sheets, and I have blankets..and if I do not have a blanket...I have plenty of scraps to produce one....

What has amazed me and my husband...is that as we have cut back...there seems to be a wave of blessing that has crashed into our shore time and time again....things like...an elderly couple seeing my children at McDonalds...and treating ALL FIVE of my children...to an ice cream....OR a package from a mother who is getting rid of her diapering stuffs for a newborn...

I have stock piled from different sources enough formula to last my baby a year...cloth diapers to keep the bottom covered..and dry....I have been giving a small port-a-crib...and I have been blessed with things for me...to help me postpartum....Money has come in to pay CASH for the babies birth...and Aaron for the first time in our lives are started to really feel good....even in the midst of penny pinching...

Just think about it....just take a look around...and really think about what you wouldn't have in some countries....think to what you wouldn't have if we didn't have the luxury of commerce...and the cheapness of labor over seas....Yeah I know...Your against out sourcing companies to those overseas...but think of what richness we live in every day....sometimes even while others don't have...but that is a whole other topic..

So again...I have blabbered on and on....and I hope this makes some sense....I write as the thought comes....and many times I think on these topics for days before posting....anyway.....

Ask me sometime how you can fold a diaper out of a man's cast off t-shirt....They are AWESOME!!!!

Have yourself a Viral little Christmas.....

So it is the 25th of December a time when most people are gathering, sharing, and Caring...What's going on here??? Well...let me start....at about..hmm 1am....this morning...

1:00AM.....Aaron and I turn off the DVD player, and put out snack plates in the sink...we had just enjoyed a nice film in the coziness of our living room....going to bed under an electric blanket..and thought that we could rest on the promise of sleeping in...

2:30 AM.....I am awakened by the baby monitor....it is a mans voice talking....(Our children s rooms are across the house) I listen for a while....and realize that our baby monitor is picking up another house across town....but it still freaks me out a little...and KNOWING that is has spooked me...I didn't want my husband to blast something in the kids room..thinking some crazy Santa-wanna-be has snuck into our house...In trying to reach back to wake Aaron up, I didn't realize I had slept on my arm....it was half asleep...I slung it back and slapped him right in the mouth...Afraid that he would wake from a slap, and THEN hear a mans voice..I was then even more afraid of what in the world we was going to think upon waking...So I hunkered down...and listened to this very warbly conversation on the baby monitor...

3:00 Am....Aaron finally wakes and shakes the whole bed, because this voice is STILL talking...only now you can hear the sound of an infant squalling in the back ground...So a mans voice, a baby, and static.....Aaron (like I had suspected) was instantly shocked, and bewildered....I just snuggled down in the covers...and said.."I know...it's been going on for a while." And neither He nor I were interested in leaving the bed to turn off the monitor (it sits across the room)....

4:10 AM Moses comes flying in our room....and scares Aaron yet again....and proclaims that Nathan had vomited all over his bed.... We go into the boys room to find Nathan a blue-white color and shaking...
Aaron and I go into work mode...stripping the nasty off him, changing sheets, making a place on the couch for him...Aaron took the spot on the opposite couch to hear him, if he had a mishap again....

5:10 AM from my place in the bedroom, I hear Nathan in the living room...throw-up again... "Aaron, He's puking..." I stated very flatly...but loud enough that he could hear....I could hear that Nathan wasn't gonna wait for his groggy Daddy to wake up...and he started to cry...So I got out of bed....waddling the whole way...(cuz my lovely joints had stiffened back up nicely...Aaron wakes up to me again changing out sheets....(sometimes I wonder at the laundry a hospital must see...)..We tucked him back in....and I went back to bed...But by now the crazy family on the baby monitor had upset the baby again and he was crying....yet...in my absent mindedness...I STILL didn't turn off that monitor...and buried myself back in the bed...and slept...

7:00 Am I woke up to Aaron telling Amy to stop banging on the baby gate....I listened to Aaron father his daughter in the way of Not waking her mother...too late..

So our day officially started...the kids were up and running around...and Nathan, wouldn't stay on his "spot" which was set up for all manner of ailments....just would barf and run, barf and run....so Aaron and I spent the better part of the day cleaning up puddles...it was a nasty mess...

9:00 Amy, not to be left out....decided to start her barf-o-rama about 9....and we again had to chase towels...and I must have changed her clothes a thousand times...since her vomits were increasingly smaller, due to the lack of substance in her tummy...she just heaved and heaved...

12:30 Aaron decided to go and see if anything was open to get sprite, Gatorade, and the fun stuff...We had PLENTY of crackers....

Somewhere in the mix of our crazy day we each found a place and a time to nap, to clean, to fold fresh towels, to sprinkle bleach on table tops...and generally feel exhausted from the rush and hurry of children needing to be taken to the restroom...

Right here at this point my post..I have typed and erased things about 5 times trying to get out my thoughts on children and illness, and it is hard to share without coming across as a know-it-all or one that rejects modern medicine....both of which are NOT true concerning myself....but I do have some things that may help you mama's the next time your little one is nauseated...

1- We put our kids...that KEEP throwing up into a soothing bath with vinegar...WHY? Because Apple Cider Vinegar is calming...I have had mothers try this..and they look at me like I am crazy...I am SERIOUS>..try it...Try it on a Sunday morning while your getting the babies ready for church..it really chills them out....

And if you have a little one who is spasmodic from vomiting...then it usually will squelch the "trigger"...

I did this with my pregnancy nausea....it really helped..

2- If you can't get them to keep fluids down...at least give them a sucker...the sugar will help keep them afloat....and will feed the blood stream...we do this when they can't keep things down...usually after a soak, a sucker, warm jammies, and a cool compress....they are tucked into a special spot...and they blissfully fall asleep...

DON'T force water....It's too harsh on them....Jello water is great for this....just prepare jello according to directions....but add twice the amount of water....Jello has just a tiny smidgen of protein in it....and it will help 'feed' your baby while they are so icky...
Ice pops aren't just good for fevers...they also allow for a slow feed to the baby..so they don't OVER fill their tummies...

All in all...when you have a baby sick....sometimes it will only make them sicker to be tossed into an arena of doctors, nurses, and monitors..etc....it over whelms them....So much can be done, just by being comforted by Mama...I am writing this post in pieces..so I hope I am not repeating myself...but I only had one that went to far....and there was NOTHING that comforted that child..and she came to a point she wasn't vomiting anymore...she was foaming...it was a scary time....I learned then to NIP IT EARLY...

Okay...so we are now about 1 in the afternoon..I am making phone calls and doing some on line stuff....Aaron is still gone to hunt for an open store...I am directing traffic...since Amy has finally fallen asleep after a nice bath, and fresh jammies...and a "ball" which she calls her cotton candy flavored dum-dum sucker..

1:15 Aaron is back with the groceries....Milk, Soda, and.....Soda....There wasn't hardly anything at the gas station...silly station....and NOTHING was open...poo...this meant that I was going to have to dream up something for lunch....


2:00 Lunch finally dreamed up...but it was simple...and given to the children in their rooms...and strict instruction to be quiet....Amy was still sleeping...

2:30 The children...all went down for a nap....

3:00 Aaron gets on line and studies, what Pastors study while I go to bed....and get some blissful sleep...

5:15 PM....I wake up in a rush of realizing how late it is....and the house is relatively quiet....Some children were STILL sleeping...a sure sign that they weren't feeling well either...

6:00 Moses proclaims he isn't feeling well....Ohhh great

6:30 I made a lovely split pea, ham, and tater soup....Aaron was in love...

7:30 the children were already showing signs of fatigue...even after such a nap....and Moses continues to whine on the couch...

9:30 all the children were again tucked into bed....Nathan had shown great improvement, and we figured he was in the clear....Amy was weaker..and thinner....she had the hardest time...lots of heaving....poor lamb...Moses went to bed in tears...he hates being sick...

10:30 Aaron and I switched gobs of laundry...cleaned up the dinner table....and finally decided that we needed to relax...after all we could sleep in.....so we started a film...

12:45 AM The movie was over...and the kids hadn't barfed...so we figured we were in the clear....I go into the kids room to check the monitor...it was on...Aaron and I snuggled down into the covered....the electric blanket making sleep take over...we fell asleep to the buzz of the baby monitor (it buzzes becuase we run a fan for 'white noise' in the girls room)...

4:50 AM.......We hear this hoarse whisper that is very LOUD come over the baby monitor... "Mom...Dad....I am okay...I am going to church..." I was so lost in la-la land that I thought....I am going to ignore this bad dream and go back to bed...

5:30 AM....the same message comes over the baby monitor (which is IN the girls room...and next to Amy's cradle)....Moses must be standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF IT...becuase we hear the same words....only in our room, because the volume is up so high...."Mom....Dad.....I am laying out my clothes becuase I am going to church." It scared the daylights out of Aaron and I....we both did the comedic scared hug in the darkness....
"What IS THAT!" Aaron said...already KNOW what and WHO it was....Aaron in the darkness marched to threw the house....and I could hear in slight hissing whispers what he was instructing Moses in.....I don't even remember Aaron coming back to bed...

So this is how we kept Christmas Day...LOL.....It was excited no doubt...I will have to rent a rug doctor...My carpets are nasty now....and I have an inner time clock that is all off kilter....

But yes a full 24hrs of fun at our house.....I am so glad now that we celebrated everything at Thanksgiving....or I would have been ROYALLY disappointed in the schedule this year...LOL

Getting to Know You....(did you know your baby before they were born?)

I am very close to closing the gap on my 29wk mark...which means...sigh...that I could deliver...full term...in a matter of only 7 weeks....NOT that I want to deliver that early...it would make me slightly nervous...but never the less...I could...

I have this little personal theory with babies...in the womb...that they already have particulars...in personality..and general comfort...I will sum up with a little note for each child I have brought into the world thus far...

Moses...while I carried him...he was steady..gave a lot of heartburn....but never really gave me to much of a fuss while I carried him.....the child he is today...not much of a problem, not a back talker, not one to buck his parents...good kid...

Mary...Prayed for four years to get her here....she was the only one I thought I was going to lose before she got here...she moved ALL the time...and something we laugh about is that when we had her ultrasound done..they thought she had lost her arm...no it was just pinned behind her....I can't even imagine how that happened..and had to be so uncomfortable...Today...Mary is the most flexible child we have, she is the royal klutz of the family...falls into everything...and is moving all the time...

Susie...I gained the most weight with her...LOVED bread while I was expecting her....she barely moved..didn't like Mommy to move around to much...would kick from time to time....Today..she likes to play...but not to rough...a princess and a dainty one...that doesn't even like house work....When I carried her I could easily move her from one side of the womb to the other...and she would just lazily turn...She is still completely happy with us doing things for her....poor thing is going to have to change that attitude...but it is an interesting study none the less..and yes..Susie was our heaviest toddler (until Amy)

Nathan...Ohhhh Nathan...gained hardly a stitch with him...When he kicked it was fierce, and with definite purpose...I couldnt' hardly touch my abdomen that he wasn't protesting in some way or the other...Today..he is known as the "little old man" around the house for his particular habits, his need for appropriate-ness..He wears house shoes around...and likes to wear a hat...because..welll...it is the proper thing to do...

Amy....Amy was the most confusing and bamboozling pregnancy I have had yet...She Kicked...HARD and ALL THE TIME....she made me ache from morning to night...She had me in first stage labor for the entire last month of my pregnancy...she wrecked my back and legs...and when I delivered her...she broke my tailbone....Today...she is INTO EVERYTHING....she has me guessing all the time on WHAT in the world she is up to...she is the first child of 5 that I need to put safety locks on things....argue if you want that I need to just discipline her more....Well..while I discipline her spirit to comply...I don't' want her turning a crockpot full of chili all over her pretty lil'face...

This baby...hmm.....This baby is like...well...until just about 2-3 weeks ago..I really didn't' FEEL pregnant....Sure I felt sick, tired, weak, sore...umm...heartburn...but there really wasn't the sense or the feeling of "a Baby is coming"....Maybe I am just tired, maybe it was that we were still duking it out over the title of the house...but FINALLY...I am feeling the overwhelming love for a new little one...I sat the other day..and made him/her some new diapers out of some old polo shirts...and seeing the size of those prefolds...I just was taken back to what it feels like to hold a sweet little one...

The last time I gave birth....I remember staying up the whole day with her, and through the night..she screamed her head off...and I loved it...Amy was the angriest little newborn I ever had...The nurses would come in and say.."You want us to take her?" knowing that I hadn't slept...I confirmed...no...I didn't need them to take her....I spent that night getting to know that little person...and Amy still...even in her worst temper...has won my heart...

This baby has confused me at times...this baby has taken me the longest time to feel..kick wise....this baby seems to like to hide...to not show to much that he/she IS in there....Soo...If I had to make an estimation on this little person off of what I know so far... I see a tiny blonde child...sitting quietly behind the couch with a book...or playing quietly with her doll on her bed....

I love the fact that I will again have the chance to swaddle a newborn, to have another chance to sing the lullabies I may have missed with another child...

You may be miffed by now...thinking that each child is just me trying to make up for what is lost in another...or trying to fulfill my regrets....no..not at all..and I really don't want to come across that way....

What I mean to say is....that I think as parents we learn to give better, to nurture better...and how sad it would be to learn something new, to grow more in the Lord...and then...have your children be GREATLY passed the age that they will respond to you rocking them at night..or singing to them more...or making sure they have their coat buttoned before heading out in the cold....

I am so glad I had my babies close....because the lessons are learned closer together...and the children are all young enough to not feel the fact that mommy is still learning...

My hope and prayer with this new baby..is that I have learned better how to meet this babies needs, to have faced the fussing, and the needs of a newborn enough to not feel those anxieties I had as a mother of my first...I had him when I was 19..I had only been married a year when he graced our lives...I don't like the mother I was then....I wish I could have changed some things...but God knew who I was...and He saw fit to bring lil'Moe into our lives....I can't believe he is almost 10...where has time gone...

My ligaments still protest...and my heartburn is in full force....but my heart is happier then it was with other babies....I KNOW full well what my reward will be...a soft, downy, pink little one....

Macho Man Meets Preggy Brain....How to Royaly Spill the Beans

YAY!! I have survived until now....27weeks?? I ask myself this because I have an email update from some baby-coupon place that always says CONGRATULATIONS you are ____wks...and that leaves me feeling a little blonde...and a little over anxious about the fact that WOW...I am really speeding through this pregnancy.
soooo....Allow me to start about a week...plus ago. Aaron and I were trying to squeeze yet again another bit of square footage out of this house...which I know my Aunt is reading this and her square footage is about the same as mine...though she has to fit 10+ in her home...Yes, it is a tight fit for both her and I....but all in all...we wouldn't have it any other way...ummm...yes we would...we would have more room, if it were there to be had...
So over a plate of spaghetti the plan was hatched...first the idea was that we could add on...then we KNEW that scheme was dead before it even got started....the issue is money...and we didn't want a hole in the wall THEN be stuck with it until funds came in...
We started to hatch plans that involved using only the existing space...and we would rearrange it....
As the house currently stands...we have 5 tiny bedroom..well...okay 2 fair sized ones, 1 that is hmm, okayyyy...then the other two are weaselly...one of the weaselly rooms was the classroom...super cute..and suited the purpose...the other has been used for the boys...The girls have one of the bigger rooms..because there are three of them..
The third category...Aaron's office...which is always deemed unusable because he thinks he runs his own personal Macy's day parade and has to throw his own confetti...he's so darling....but WOW..the rats nest that can be made in the wake of laundry, and sermon notes mixed together with a weight bench...the room in short became a catch-all....and it was just a cancer in my orderly home.
We are looking into being blessed with baby #6 in March..and in a matter of a year and a half later may be forced to face facts....that 8 people to one bathroom is just nasty...It is already more than I want to take care of...the smelly water-closet...yuck.
In short the solution was going to be......
Take down classroom wall + add it to the livingroom = a big livingroom...
Move boys to the office, move girls to Mommy's and Daddy's room....opening up the other weaselly room...and allowing mommy and daddy to have the bedroom that will be soon attatched to the bathroom that exist now...making for a master-bedroom w/full bathroom...
Then we are going to take the weaselly bedroom that is left...and turn it into a bathroom...a LARGE bathroom..with shelving and hooks for the kids..and two sinks...:D....
Also last but by far not least...we move the washer and dryer into the kitchen...and use the old laundry closet for storage...and then move the kitchen table into the now huge living-room...and slash dining room...
Lots of work...
So this past week...I started out....cleaning out junk...and sorting...and pitching...Aaron moved the washer....into the old bakers cubby...which meant baking supplies were everywhere....so I had to sort those....
Then as the week progressed we moved more junk...and also had a day off in the middle of it all...because I over did it..and about tore my hips to bits....sooo we "lived" in the muck....ummm...I couldn't take up hording....it is a terrible feeling..But in short...just to give you the picture..we look like hoarders...only we dont' have years of ick stuck to the stove...or the potty.
The weekend came and Aaron and I were ready to grab it by the horns and get stuff DONE!!......Now mind you...I am still recovering from unloading the office...which was just bad...This left Aaron to do the moving, lifting, attatching, climbing.....I am usually RIGHT there...but I had to take a back seat....
Friday we went grocery shopping....which takes just shy of the WHOLE day....but Aaron purchased his mighty Reciprocating saw...and a cordless drill...he lost his when we renovated our previous house...it was kind of a mickey mouse drill anyway...soooo he picked up one.....both tools for about $50...we couldnt' believe it....so a great price...
Saturday.....the last day to really push for progress...
Aaron moved my dryer...which meant that he had to take an existing 220 outlet that was in our kitchen...and re-wire/pigtail....I dunno...something electric to the outlet...which meant that for over an hour...we sat with NO electricity....And to keep my mouth shut on how nervous electrical things make me....I took a nap...This seemed to be the best recourse...
But Aaron got it done...right down to the beautiful vent to the outdoors...I will say though that for the first little bit I was starting to freak that it was going to catch fire.....(I really have bad nerves when it comes to gas-pilot light stuff..and electrical)...So Aaron was just rolling his eyes...as I asked my questions....He was putting away his tools...as I loaded freshly washed clothes into the dryer....and I turned the dial...and pressed start...it went great...
Aaron was all grins..as I sung his praises....so I promised him lunch...He was telling me about how the dryer was hooked up, and...well ladies you know how men do...they re-hash the project..and they go into this trance like stage where you aren't sure if they are telling you...or just re-assuring themselves that the house isn't going to blow up...He was going through this when I placed the pan on the burner...I was preparing to make noodles, for a salad..
Moses headed outside....and the house started to revive itself after the long absence of electricity...the girls started to marvel at the new placement of the dryer..and listened to it whirl the clothes around...
Aaron finished his verbal tutorial...and I had praised him again...alternating it with asking for his assurance that things would be okay with the outlet...
Finally...Aaron looked at me...and proclaimed he needed to go to the restroom (he had been working for hours on the dryer..and he didn't feel he could leave it for a moment, because of the risk with the kids running around)...so NOW he was going to "take a break"...
He hadn't more than been gone a moment...when I turned back to the stove to put the noodles in...when I realized......I had a problem....
Back story- We have ducks, ducks need food, food goes in a plastic ice cream tub......we had a day and a half of "duck food" in this container....bean soup, biscuits, and the morning cereal bowels all in it...
I had this gallon Ice cream tub FULL of slop....and it was sitting squarely on the burner...that was ON..and had been on...You could see these bubbles and fluids oozing out the bottom...and I started to panic...
I am pretty demonstrative anyway...but just add fire and burning plastic...I went into instant shriek...
" OOOHHHHHH" I screamed...and grabbed the bucket from the burner....Which lifted the bucket from the bottom....and the ewwy mess that lay with in it spilled ALLLL over the burner....."WOOOOOOO"....I flicked the switch off somewhere in all this...
Now...lets think a moment where my poor husband is...and the fact that I just had a see-saw conversation with him ...on "wow that is great you got that dryer installed...um...sure it won't catch fire."....now....put that poor man in a bathroom while the scene continues...
I am staring at this pile of mess, and the smell of putrid beans are further nastied by the fact they are in semi-flame on the stove top...
"THIS IS BAD!!! THIS IS BAD!!! OH, NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!"
Now I am prancing in front of my stove with the icecream bucket is upside down in my hand...so the remaining yuck can at least fill the bucket again..only in reverse...
I am standing there...just wondering HOW I was meant to clean that....the bottom of that plastic bucket was melting itself into the pits around the spiral burner...
Moses stuck his head in the back door, which is RIGHT by the stove..."Hey mom...." That was all I heard....He said something but then saw the mess on the stove....
"Is that lunch?" I could have hit him with the bucket...
"NO....I burned the bucket." I displayed the icecream bucket for his viewing pleasure....
"Ohhhhh is that why you were screaming like..." He proceeded to make wild chicken sounds....(He's becoming the perfect man....)
"Is THAT what I sounded like?" he laughed...still keeping the majority of his body outdoors...wise little man...
He snickered and said ..."Yeah...I just thought you were getting some lovins' or something.." I inwardly laughed at his interpretation of husband/wife flirting...ohhh gracious...though I did think about the fact that I giggle like a chicken....
Here....I scooped up the unburned-unplasticed bits of food...and dumped it in the top of the bucket..and sent him to feed the ducks...
About here is where Aaron entered....My hero....good thing the house wasn't burning...
I turned to him with a wry expression....He heaved a sigh of relief....because all he knew was exactly what I thought he would think...that the dryer exploded....
The dryer is fine, been working great...and later that evening....he tore down walls.....I didn't try to cook in the midst of it though....

more updates...in more days to come....